


Of Broken Promises and Silent Prayers

by Tamyou



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur's POV, Canon Era, Could be read either way, Romance/Bromance, So much angst, Unnamed Disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-19
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 07:23:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1810111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamyou/pseuds/Tamyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He prayed. He prayed for the Old Gods and the New, for the earth and the seas and anything he could think of, just to be able to see Merlin smile at him again.</p><p>From my old Drabble Collection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Weakness

**Author's Note:**

> Oh wow look what I found lying around in my laptop. I wrote these drabbles ages ago. Hope you'll like it :)

* * *

 

There was nothing they could do. Arthur knew that, but still, it hurt him so much he couldn't bear it. He couldn't admit defeat.

 

Gaius said it wouldn't take much longer, and Arthur didn't know whether this was causing him to feel relief or unbearable grief. He wanted, so bad, the pained expression on Merlin's face to disappear. He wanted the choked gasps to stop, just stop... wanted him to find peace. But there was no way he'd get any better, and the only relief the young servant would find will be in death. And that was something Arthur could not accept.

 

He felt so helpless.

 

So powerless.

 

He was king Arthur. He was a knight of Camelot. He was Uther's son. There was nothing he could not do, and this unfamiliar feeling of helplessness filled him with so much rage he wanted to scream and punch something, over and over again until his hands will bleed and the pain will overcome the hole that kept growing in his heart.

 

He could not let him die. He won't.

 

And he kept telling himself that as he sat on the small stool next to Merlin's bed, neglecting his duties and leaving his meetings to his trusted knights. He repeated it over and over in his head, swearing to himself and to Merlin to never let him go, to cure him somehow even though he knew this could never be.

 

They could never be.

 

Leaning forward in the hard, uncomfortable stool, he glanced around for a second to see that Gaius wasn't there, and reached to place his palm over Merlin's limp hand. His skin was too warm, clammy. He didn't move much, except for the shallow, shuddered breathes that indicated he was still alive. Arthur sighed and cleared his throat, ignoring the lump that started forming there.

 

Weakness. He hated to admit that. But he had one weakness, and it was currently lying on the thin bed before him, struggling to breathe.

 

It's been a few days now, since the last time Merlin was conscious. Arthur got there just in time to see his cloudy blue eyes fluttering closed again, and to hear Gaius sadly whispering to Gwen he believed this would be the last time he'd wake. Arthur cursed then loudly, ignoring the hushed looks he got from Gaius. He wished the young serving girl the Physician sent to fetch him was faster... that he was faster. He wanted to at least say goodbye to Merlin.

 

Now, sitting there beside his servant's fevered body, he prayed. He prayed for the Old Gods and the New, for the earth and the seas and anything he could think of, just to be able to see Merlin smile at him again. That goofy, stupid smile that was so inappropriate for a servant but so loved. So trusted.

 

The moisture on his face startled him and he angrily wiped the stray tear away.

 

No man was worth his tears.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come visit me at [tumblr](http://tamyourue.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Reviews are food for a writer's soul.


	2. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur could barely hear anything as the blood rushed to his brain and the tears started choking him, blinding him. He saw Merlin's lips moving, and could only just make out the silent words.

* * *

 

No one could've believed what happened the next day. No one could've expected it.

 

Arthur couldn't sleep the whole night, keeping guard next to Merlin's bed, watching him breathing. Listening, listening... and when dawn finally came, he was so tired he allowed himself a few minutes of haunted sleep, resting his head on the hard mattress Merlin slept on. Just for a second.

 

The feeling of gentle fingers in his hair jolted him awake and he looked up and stared, wide-eyed, at the exhausted, foggy blue eyes that watched him with a pained smile.

 

“You're awake.” The king whispered, disbelief and happiness written on his every feature. Merlin nodded. Slow, agonized, almost unnoticeable movement.

 

“...yes...”

 

His voice was so weak. So different from anything Arthur ever heard before. And his joy faded almost as quickly as it came, leaving his heart aching as he remembered that nothing had really changed. His best friend was still dying.

 

“How are you feeling?” The question left his lips and as soon as it did, he knew it was such a stupid thing to ask. Merlin's pain was obvious for even a blind man to see. He glanced down, not looking him in the eye as his hand slowly reached up to brush against Merlin's warm, pale cheek.

 

So pale.

 

Merlin did not answer, just breathed. Slowly, shallowly. Arthur started to think he fell back asleep, so he looked up. And Merlin was still awake, his intense blue eyes clouded and focused on Arthur's face, watching silently as the King's thumb brushed near his mouth. His lips parted slightly, and a small breath came out, ghosting over Arthur's hand.

 

“I'm... so sorry.” The words were so quiet, Arthur had to lean forward to hear them. The look in Merlin's eyes was sad, his smile broken. “For leaving you... behind.” He added slowly, in a slightly louder whisper.

 

“Then don't.” Arthur tried to keep his voice stable. “Just... just don't.”

 

“I'm so tired...” The young servant mumbled, blinking sleepily, slowly. The lump returned to choke Arthur's throat, and he desperately tried to stop his voice from breaking.

 

“Sleep.” The king whispered in defeat. Merlin shook his head, trying to keep his eyes open. The blue orbs rolled around tiredly, finding Arthur's face again. His hand weakly grasped Arthur's.

 

“I don't want to go...” His voice was so weak, his whisper so quiet. Arthur could barely hear anything as the blood rushed to his brain and the tears started choking him, blinding him. He saw Merlin's lips moving, and could only just make out the silent words.

 

“...I don't want to be alone.”

 

“You won't.” Arthur swore, voice breaking with each syllable. “You won't, I promise. You won't.”

 

“...stay with me...”

 

“I promise. I promise.”

 

He wasn't sure Merlin heard him this time. The servant's eyes were already closed and his breathing shallowed, but Arthur was still grateful for the chance he was granted, to say goodbye. He sighed and cleared his throat again, leaning back in his stool. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

 

He still had a promise to keep.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come visit me at [tumblr](http://tamyourue.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Reviews are food for a writer's soul.


	3. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He heard Guinevere crying, heard Gaius' broken voice trying to calm her down. He vaguely heard steps just outside the chambers and he assumed the rumor had spread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, guys. Last chapter. Thank you for all the comments and kudos and bookmarks and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well.
> 
> And maybe I'll see you soon again with another Merlin drabble? :)
> 
> Don't forget to tell me what you think, lovelies.

* * *

 

It took longer than Arthur thought.

 

Too many days passed since Merlin's last goodbye. Too many days in which he was hanging between life and death, in which Gaius almost didn't manage to pull his ward back. He fought for Merlin's life so hard, day and night. And all along, Arthur was there beside him to help. Gwen too.

 

Arthur almost wished they'd just let him go.

 

It was at the sixth night that Guinevere finally convinced him to go and take a bath and eat something, promising to stay with Merlin while her king was away. At first, Arthur didn't want to leave him, protesting and telling her he had to stay, but she insisted. And so, reluctantly, he left Gaius' chambers, sending one last look at Merlin's pale face.

 

He knew he shouldn't have.

 

He knew he had to stay.

 

He was just putting a clean shirt on when a young serving boy burst into his chambers, out of breath. Freezing fear crept into Arthur's heart and he didn't even need the boy to say a word. He hurried and pushed past him, running down the halls towards Gaius' chambers as fast as he could.

 

Merlin.

 

Not Merlin.

 

He couldn't let him die alone.

 

He won't. He won't. He won't.

 

Merlin.

 

He promised him.

 

And he didn't care about the door he almost knocked out of place as he slammed it open while storming into the Physician's chambers. Wet cheeks and the sound of quiet sobs greeted Arthur as he rushed to Merlin's side and stared in shock at his unmoving form. His lips parted and his wide blue eyes shot up to stare at Gaius, desperate and pleading and overwhelmed.

 

The world seemed to collapse around him.

 

Like everything just... slowed down. Everything, beside the young man that was laying right there in front of him. So still.

 

He heard Guinevere crying, heard Gaius' broken voice trying to calm her down. He vaguely heard steps just outside the chambers and he assumed the rumor had spread.

 

He didn't care. All he could do was stand there and watch Merlin's still form lying motionlessly on the hard bed. His chest wasn't heaving in his struggles to breathe, his face was free of the lines of pain and agony Arthur saw there every day. He was so quiet... so terrifyingly quiet.

 

But he promised.

 

“He's dead.” Gaius said gently, as if Arthur couldn't figure it out on his own. “I'm so sorry.”

 

Rage suddenly swelled and filled Arthur's chest, growing and choking and consuming.

 

“I was supposed to be here with him.” He said slowly, quietly.

 

“We tried to get you as fast as we co-”

 

“I was supposed to be here with him.” Arthur repeated, his anger bubbling as the ache in his heart grew.

 

“Arthur-” Gwen tried to help, tears streaming down her cheeks.

 

“I promised him, damn it!” Arthur yelled, tearing his eyes from Merlin, and Guinevere flinched away. Regret took over his anger, just barely. “...I'm sorry.” He mumbled, his fists clenched as the grief became almost unbearable.

 

“It's fine.” She whispered. She approached him slowly, gently pulling him into her arms. The warm contact broke something inside him and suddenly there were tears falling down his face and a whimpered sob tore it's way past his lips. Arthur's fists clenched the fabric of her dress and he buried his face in Gwen's neck, trying to stop the tears and the pain and the whole damned world around him.

 

He couldn't grasp the fact that Merlin was dead.

 

Really dead.

 

How could he be so still? So cold? Arthur has gotten so used to Merlin's stupid, goofy smiles, his endless chatter, his wisdom and his overwhelming loyalty. How could his life go on without his most trusted friend by his side? How will he get up and face another day without him, knowing he would never see him going on about his chores again?

 

It was too much. Too much foreign emptiness and grief and hollow, agonizing, terrifying loss the young king didn't know how to handle.

 

Because Merlin was his everything. The one constant thing he had in his ever-changing, fragile world. And he promised him he won't be alone.

 

He promised him he won't die alone.

 

He couldn't even keep this one promise.

 

_ No man is worth your tears _ , his father always taught him. He himself told Merlin that.

 

 

Then why...

 

 

...then why were there tears rolling down his face like rain?

 

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come visit me at [tumblr](http://tamyourue.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Reviews are food for a writer's soul.


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